Thursday, 12 October 2017

The waiting game

Hey my loves,
As I write this post I am currently 40 weeks and 4 days pregnant. . .  Yes I am overdue. By this point my controlling self was hoping that I would be cradling my baby girl in my arms experiencing the first few days of motherhood, but no I am still waiting.

Where many may think great more time for extra sleep, to rest and for alone time, I feel the complete opposite. These last few days have probably been the worst 4 days of pregnancy for me. 
Not that I have become sick or had weird cravings or anything like that but it's how I have felt mentally that has been more of the struggle.

I have always considered myself to be an emotionally stable person, quite rational and clear/level headed and I prided myself in being one of those ladies who was able to check their hormones before they got the best or should I say worse of them, however these last few days have been incredibly challenging for me emotionally and mentally. And as much as I have tried to hide and act like it's not affecting me it was time to address it. 

Pregnancy is a tough season for many women for many different reasons. For me it had been the most perfect journey till my due date came and went and there was still a baby in my belly. With most things in life when a date is set you are 99.9% certain whatever is set on that date will occur, but nop, not with pregnancy, theres a 4 week window, two weeks before and two weeks after. Now the two weeks before did not bother me it was the two weeks after that did and it was made worse by people commenting on how comfortable I looked and that the baby was MOST DEFIANTLY going to be late and even laughed at the statement (haha banter - I think not!) as someone who has been carrying a baby for in fact 10 months, I really wanted to meet my baby, (healthily and happily) and really wanted my body back to how it was.

It also started to get harder for me emotionally, (to which I blame pregnancy hormones). There was some days where I woke up in the best of moods hoping, praying that today was the day. I even managed to find a prayer online for labour induction, which I have now read 4 or maybe 5 times and when the day ended and there was no baby, I really felt like the big guy upstairs had abandoned me. Which did not help with the fact that I was feeling alone, with my husband at work all day literally leaving around 7am and sometimes back around 6pm or later I couldn't help but feel as though he too had abandoned me. Even though I knew the nature of his job and how far he has to travel before hand, I couldn't help but feel as though he did not want to rush home to spend time with his heavily pregnant wife. 

I felt alone, I felt ignored and I felt abandoned. By my husband, but mainly God. What I know of my God is that he is a God of love, a God who cares, a God who listens and knows our hearts desires. So if God knows I really want to meet my baby (more specifically on my due date) why am I still waiting? 

Earlier in my pregnancy I prayed that let YOUR will be done, let everything be done in your perfect timing and may I put my trust in YOU. It is easy to pray these things but oh so hard to actually do them. To really put ALL your trust in God, something you cannot see, feel or touch with your natural eyes. But I was reminded through a good friend last night, that HE is with me in the waiting!

Dear God,
Thank you for bringing me this far in my pregnancy, for protecting myself and my baby. 
For allowing us both to be healthy. You have brought me this far and I believe that in your perfect timing you will be with me and my baby in the labour and delivery process. 
I pray you are with the midwives and doctors who may attend to my baby and I. Let your presence and peace surround me in the leading days to me meeting my baby.
May I feel comforted on the days where I may feel alone or forgotten.
Thank you God that you are with me in the waiting!
In Jesus name, Amen x 


xo. Adorning Cultures
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